Freetannian Alien Spotters target MK

An alien 'shopper' is inexplicably drawn towards the group, sensing their empathy.

A team of alien spotters from Freetannia hit the ground in MK on Tuesday in a sweep for a suspected alien influx. Freetannia's own branch of SETI (Search For Extra-Terrestrial Intelligence) is keen to establish good relations with alien civilisations. King 'Dickie' Frobisher is reported to be keen to expand the microstate's influence into deep space and feels that there is potential for trade. Recently he remarked that Freetannia is keen to acquire an alien fusion reactor and could possibly trade tea and biscuits in return – which are thought to be scarce beyond the orbit of Pluto.

The team, using special scanners, reported that they were successful in identifying a substantial number of aliens though most were disguised as MK shoppers. The team leader commented “There are certainly a lot of very odd people around and some of them are definitely aliens”. A Milton Keynes Council source refused to comment on how many aliens occupied local council seats but one resident admitted “they're definitely from another planet”. The sweep continues.

They walk amongst us.

Freetannia learns from MK's 3D Cinema

Freetannians benefit hugely from the microstate's willingness to apply leading-edge science in the public sphere – men can become pregnant and flashers, shunned in many countries, have a status akin to Morris dancers in Freetannia due to genetic modifications which render them more furry than frightening. Nevertheless, one technological advance which as eluded Freetannians thus far is the concept of 3D cinema.

King Richard Frobisher has engaged a team of experts to look into this and last week a test audience was sent to MK to experience it directly. This puzzled the MK authorities somewhat, since Milton Keynes distinctly lacks a 3D cinema. However, the Freetannian scientific team had been struck by the fact that 3D audiences often report the experience as 'seeming real' or 'as if you were in the film'. The team therefore dispatched the test audience to the shopping centre in Milton Keynes on the basis that a similarly 3D experience would be had, saving much-needed research funds in the process.

This proved successful. After some time watching the to-ing and fro-ing of the MK public the test audience reported that it did in fact 'seem real' and they had the distinct impression of actually being there. “Quite scary really, especially when they come straight at you” remarked one audience member.

Furry Flashers Foster Friendship

from 'The Stun' newspaper



Queen Daphne of Freetannia was appalled recently to learn that flashing had a bad press in Milton Keynes and in the UK generally – so much so that she has personally commanded a visit of the Freetannian State Flashing Team to MK to raise the sport's image.

Unlike the UK, Freetannia has always tolerated flashing and Freetannians feel the activity has come into disrepute chiefly due to the nakedness of UK practitioners. “In Freetannia flashing is more of a hobby” explained the Queen. “We solved the nastiness long ago using GM techniques that have allowed us to breed an altogether more hirsute individual and this has resulted in a much more acceptable 'flash' though it's still something of a surprise to the uninitiated”. The development of the “hairy flasher” has proved an unexpected bonus for Freetannian hairdressers with most shops claiming a 50-60% rise in custom. One barber commented however that it was important to choose a barber with “good eyesight and a steady scissor hand”.

The team is due to visit MK on Friday this week.

Freetannian Super Tart-up puts MK in the Frame

The continuing influx of Freetannian tourists to MK continued unabated last week with the visit of three Freetannian 'ladies' to the lights of 'downtown' MK on Thursday. Discrete enquiries suggest that this is an attempt by the Freetannian government at soft diplomacy – hoping to cement the special relationship via a direct approach to MK men using a 'Mata Hari' tactic. The 'ladies' themselves (Yvette, Yvonne and Yvailable) denied any such link, claiming they were merely Freetannian tourists whose visit had been prompted by tourist tales of the sophisticated charm of the MK male. Alas it seems their quest was doomed to failure, with most local men overcome by an inexplicable coyness when faced by these exotic Freetannian beauties.

Also on Thursday, Freetannian exports to MK were hit when delivery men were unable to find the purchaser of a large ornate picture frame. The delivery men approached numerous individuals in and around the shopping centre without success.

Tourism was again in the frame on Friday when Vicar George Simper and his wife visited MK for a spot of shopping tourism. The Rev. George met his wife Barbie (previously Barbie Lee, a well known z-movie actress) in the 'States before both became naturalised Freetannian citizens. The visit was a low key affair during which the couple strolled around MK smiling and chatting with local residents before posing for photographs with a local reporter. Questioned about her thigh-high lace-up boots and short skirt, Barbie remarked that these were a concession to her husband, hiding her legs, which he felt were a distraction to vulnerable men, particularly in Milton Keynes.

Again on Friday, the citizens of Milton Keynes found themselves under special protection with the arrival of the SuperEuros! Crime fled the streets as these well-muscled, limber young heroes braved the dark alleys and deserted underpasses of MK. “We're always here” said EuroMan, his broad chested masculinity poised like a shield against the threatening MK night. His colleague, EuroGirl, took a moment to remind citizens that services such as theirs were paid for by European taxes saying “Remember! People like you pay for people like us!” The pair took pains to assure citizens that there was no emergency, asserting that the visit was merely a “routine patrol”. MK youth seemed particularly enamoured of the SuperEuros and were eager to chat and ask questions – there were cheers and shouts of “Legend!” from locals fans as EuroMan and EuroGirl took off en-route to Belgium to quell a comedy outbreak.

Freetannia loses Olympic Bid

Brazil will become the first South American country to host the Olympics after the city of Rio de Janeiro was chosen to stage the 2016 Games.

Rio won a majority of the 95 votes at the meeting in Copenhagen, eliminating Madrid in the final round. Freetannia, Milton Keynes and Chicago had already been knocked out.

"The world has recognised that the time has come for Brazil," said President Luiz Inacio Lula da Silva.

Freetannia's early exit was a surprise, after bookmakers made them favourites.

King Richard had flown to Denmark on Friday morning to join his wife, Daphne, and make an emotional address to the International Olympic Committee delegates.

But the gesture - the first time a reigning monarch had addressed the IOC in an attempt to win the Games - failed to persuade the voters as Freetannia became the first city to see its dream of hosting the biggest sporting event in the world fall by the wayside.

Speaking to reporters at Fruckingham Palace on his return, King Richard said he wished he had come back with better news, but congratulated Brazil for a "truly historic" win.

"As friends to the Brazilian people, we welcome this extraordinary sign of progress," he said.

The president said he had no doubt that Freetannia's bid had been the strongest possible, could not be prouder of the city, and insisted that he had no regrets about travelling to Denmark.

"I believe it is always a worthwhile endeavour to promote and boost The Sovereign State of Freetannia," he added.

'Heart and soul'

Freetannia received only 1 of the 94 votes available in the first round poll of IOC delegates at the Bella Convention Centre on Friday afternoon. Madrid came out top with 28, followed by Rio on 26.

In Freetannia, which had believed it would be a finalist, several stood in silence in the city centre after it became the first to be eliminated.

"We fought a good fight and I am very proud of the team and the campaign. I have no idea why we went out so early. The IOC members will have to ask themselves that question," said Freetannia bid chief Daphne Frobisher.

Freetannia bid chief Daphne Frobisher in her Olympic glory days.

Daphne loses Stun newspaper backing

On hearing that she had lost the backing of the Stun newspaper, Prime Minister Daphne Frobisher only had this to say:


PM Daphne Frobisher on hearing she has lost the backing of the Stun newspaper

INVICTUS

OUT of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

NIGEL'S MILTON KEYNES

Prime Minister Frobisher still has the backing of the MK News so she has very little to worry about.

Nigel Andrews
BBC Freetannian editor

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Freetannia extends MK influence.

Following on the royal visit of King Richard Frobisher and his wife Daphne, the Sovereign State of Freetannia continues to extend its influence in Milton Keynes.

Over the last few days Freetannia's previously well-heeled Freetannian bankers visited the MK Fringe exhibition in the local shopping arcade. As well as hoping to pick up the odd art bargain they also appealed to the citizens of MK for financial assistance to help our 'Rich Beggars' as they have become known.

Fannie, Charles and Bertie (photo: Legge for FringeMK)

The same event saw a visit from from Freetannia's national athletic team who staged a World Record Attempt at Apathy – unfortunately this event finished early due to lack of interest.

(photos: Legge for FringeMK)

A couple of days later a minor drama ensued when a party of Freetannian ramblers became lost in the depths of the shopping mall. The Freetannian and MK authorities feared the worst but happily, thanks to directions from friendly MK natives the Lost Ramblers were found safe and well, though they continue to deny being lost in the first place.

Caroline, Colin and Susan (photo: Legge for FringeMK)

The creation of artificial sperm has been in the news lately. A little-known fact however is that Freetannia has become the first nation to begin to explore the possibilities with two Freetannian men becoming the first males to become pregnant by a woman. Controversy has surrounded the event however, as both claim the same woman as the 'father'. All three individuals visited MK as a group and were said to be very taken with the local 'Mothercare' branch. They did however feel that the range of male clothing could be improved.

On Monday this week final year Performing Arts students at Milton Keynes College applied en masse to become Freetannian citizens. During a seminar on street theatre hosted by the Comic Character Creations company students, who had previously shown lively enthusiasm, suddenly declared their allegiance to Freetannia and began frantically seeking directions from their colleagues. They finally took part in a mass World Record Attempt at Apathy as a demonstration of their loyalty. Unfortunately, like the official Freetannian event, this too was cancelled for lack of commitment. A spokesperson for Freetannia commented that the country welcomed educated immigrants but hadn't gotten round to doing anything about it yet.